Broken Hearted

For two weeks, maybe a little more I've been sick.  Sick to my stomach, chronic headaches, a constant sense of unease in my spirit.  I don't ever take this lightly.  I've learned to trust my instincts, they have rarely lead my astray, its when I have refused to listen that I have made poor choices.  I imagine this same sense I have had these past few weeks is similar to a Mom's instinct that something is wrong with her child and she must check on them. Today I checked my email every chance I had, the contacts with the agency are the only connection I have to check on our child.  I was looking at it before even getting out of client's rooms at times.  I just knew. 
About four this afternoon we received an email from our agency.  A run down of changes in Ethiopia.  First it stated adoptions in Ethiopia are NOT closed, a sigh of relief, and then panic immediately sets in when I realize this is the good news to cushion the blow.  Every month we get an update e-mail, how many families have received referrals, what's new in Ethiopia, how many families have joined the program this month, etc.  A week or so later we get a personalized e-mail with our updated wait list numbers (you move down the list as families get referred to help you gauge how close you are to your referral).  It's been slow. We are new to this, and we knew it was slow.  I did the math in my head every month thinking, there is no way we will have a referral in two years, let alone one. 
They informed us today that Ethiopia is changing how it handles all adoptions.  For good reason.  A few corrupt agencies were dealing in unethical adoptions.  Sickening. They have been closed, but the ramifications remain for those still waiting.  The result is longer wait times.  Longer.  How. Could. This. Get. Longer. ??  The numbers jumped out of the e-mail like big black doors closing on my sense of hope. Possibly 3 1/2 years.  From now. Not from when we started, from now.  Tears.
Like everything with adoption, nothing is certain, not one damn thing.  We knew this, but we jumped in anyway, feet first, ready to be broken and broken again because we want it that much.  We want our children that much.  We have options.  We immediately decided we weren't leaving the program, we would wait for our Ethiopian child, no matter what.  We are in it for the long haul.  Our agency, being the amazing agency that they are, have listed all the options.  Details about paperwork that I won't even try to explain right now, our options about switching to another country, and pursing other avenues.  They want our family together nearly as much as we do, and we are blessed for that. 
Pete and I didn't get to talk about it much, he was getting ready for work.  He read the email while I cried in the bathroom doorway.  If I haven't emphasized this enough, Pete is amazing, he just blows my mind every single day.  He hugged me and let me cry and said it was going to be okay.  He's right.  I know he is, but right now it doesn't feel alright.  We briefly decided we would stay on the Ethiopia wait list while we pursue other avenues for building our family.  We are lucky in that we can continue with our Ethiopian adoption while pursuing another adoption. 
So what this means exactly I don't know, probably trying for a domestic adoption while we wait.  More unknowns, more waits, more closing doors, again, no control.  But I would walk through fire for our children and we are certainly not going to let this stop us from having the family we know we will have and we both so desperately want.
I had a girls night planned for tonight, and despite wanting to lay on my couch and cry into a pillow for the remainder of the evening, I went and being the amazing ladies they are they reminded me that I am strong and brave and this life of ours will continue and it will continue with our babies.  One way or another. 
So what this means: Pete and I will be adopting our baby from Ethiopia, its just going to take a lot longer than we ever wanted.  We will likely be adding to our family in some form or fashion, yet to be determined, before our Ethiopian child gets here. So yay for another child! It's like being pregnant with two of your children at once but one will be born way before the other... sort of. 
My hope is not gone, I'm not giving up. Tonight I'm going to keep listening to all of the saddest songs and cry into my Cabernet, but that's just for tonight.  I will remind myself when I wake up tomorrow that its a new day, and we have a new opportunity, and that somewhere in this world we will find our children, all of them, and eventually we will bring them all home.